What's in a Name?

We've all heard the saying, "what's in a name?" You've probably read the passage in Romeo and Juliet that talks about a rose by any other name, still smelling as sweet. What is in a name? Apparently, a lot. Apparently a whole lot.


I've been really discovering this whole name thing over the past couple of years. On August 4th, 2007, I married the love of my life. Now up until our wedding day, I proudly told other people how excited I was to be the future Mrs. Owens. It was a name that I even considered being monogrammed on a bag for our honeymoon. In hindsight, I'm glad that I did not.


I don't know what happened really. But, the day after our wedding, as we were preparing to leave for our honeymoon and opening wedding gifts, something snapped. It was a moment of complete panic--I am not being dramatic, either--it truly was.

My new husband and I were chatting about all of the stuff we wanted to do once we got back from our honeymoon. He casually mentioned that I should plan on going ahead with the name change process asap at the Social Security office. A friend of ours had gotten in a lot of trouble over a name change/driver's license issue.

I immediately started bawling--much to the shock and likely horror of my sweet groom. Did I say something? I'm sure that was what he was thinking. It was like everything hit me at once. I was thrilled to be married---I'd been planning our wedding for the past year and a half and we had been engaged for over four years. I'd even been planning to get married and be married as long as I can remember. It wasn't like I was unsure of the new life I was embarking upon. I was unsure of this new person. This new name. Who was this Mrs. Owens? Not me! Certainly not me! Where had my old self gone?

I dramatically blurted out. I don't want to change my name! I like my name! It seems silly now, but at that moment, I felt an unebelievable sense of panic. It was like my old life was completely gone. I was still crying, but not so hard as to see the hurt look on my husband's face. I knew that he was taking all of this personally. I could see in his eyes that he was questioning how I felt about him. It's so painful to see your partner give you that look. All over a stupid name.

It's not you! I promise it is not you---I tried to tell him. I composed myself and we agreed to not discuss this further until we returned home from our trip. He agreed. It's part of what I love about him. He let's me vent and then is okay to let me sit on things for a while. Sometimes I know that he wants to talk about it then, but he knows I tend to need that mulling time to make a decision or formulate an opinion. He allows me that, and I appreciated it, especially then.

We had a lovely honeymoon. Beyond lovely, in fact, at Blackberry Farm in Walland, TN. It is perhaps the most romantic place that I have ever been. I'm thankful to have enjoyed a return trip. While we were there, I let the name thing slide. I let the hotel staff call me Mrs. Owens. I never said a word. We just enjoyed ourselves. It was spectacular.


The name thing did not resurface until the car ride home. Haven't you had those car rides where the conversations flow freely, honestly and without judgment. It's like you are in this safe place. Cars have often been our place to talk. Roxy, my red beetle, is a place of comfort.

I told my husband that changing my name didn't feel right anymore. I like my middle name, Elizabeth, and I didn't want to lose it for the sake of keeping my maiden name. Plus, I wanted people to know that I was a Greene. I'm proud to be recognized as Ken and Alice Greene's daughter. I didn't want to lose that. If it became my middle name, no one would use it. No one would make those name connections. It would soon fade into an under-used initial G.


Don't you want people to know that we are married? That was the question that continually resurfaced in our conversation. Of course, I do! I just had a lavish,200-person wedding. I wanted to show how much I love you in front of all of our friends and family.


Then why don't you want to show it in name? Why is that the defining mark of coupledom. We have plenty of friends who don't share last names. Are they less married?


What about our future kids? Shouldn't their parents have the same name? I don't know! I haven't thought that far. Why does this matter?

I should mention, by the way, that my husband is incredibly empathetic and sweet person. He wasn't doing or saying any of this to be mean. He was raised in a much more traditional home than I was, which often contributes to these contradictions between us. These questions that he was raising, in part, were his playing devil's advocate. He wanted a rationalization behind my sudden change of mind. After four years of Mrs. Owens talk, he wanted to know what had changed.


The conversation continued. Should we keep our names? Should we make some kind of last name hybrid? Gowens? Growens? Grow? Was that weird?

A four hour car ride later, and we had reached a decision. I'd hyphenate. Greene-Owens. It would force people to use both names. It would make us both happy. I felt very relieved. Little did I know what a controversial move that would be. Controversial indeed.

This blog will serve to discuss what happened next, life as newlyweds, being a wife and my journey and sometimes battle as a hyphenate in this world.

~warmly~
Katherine